By The Arch City Madman

Ahhh, if only Al Gore was allowed to inhabit the Oval Office. Most everything would have been better, the world would be as one, and all of us would be singing Kumbaya.

Here is a great work of fiction spun by Newsweek. No one should be real surprised to see a piece of %#@& like this, but I thought it was just too good not to repost. I’ve pulled out some of the best parts below for your reading pleasure.

January 20, 2001: After an election too close to call, with a bitter battle over votes in Florida, a fractiously split Supreme Court stops the recount and declares Al Gore the 43rd president of the United States. Writing for the minority, Justice Antonin Scalia is uncharacteristically vituperative, ending with the statement: “The counting of votes of questionable legality has done irreparable harm not just to petitioner Bush but to the country as a whole. Indeed, how far has this august body fallen that we might contemplate as reasonable the perversion of an election and the awarding of the highest office in the land to a man—never has the term been more laughably conferred—who could not even carry his home state. We have abrogated reason and truth in favor of a consoling liberal fiction, a farce of wish-fulfillment identity politics and anthropomorphized, liquid-eyed woodland creatures whose habitats have been deemed more important than the will of the voting public.” Scalia is officially censured for his “uncalled for ad hominem statements”—border[ing] on vendetta—”the expression of personal speech inimical to the role and spirit of the judiciary.” His opinion is withdrawn from the official court record. Justice Clarence Thomas provides the alternate dissenting opinion.

Should this part be called Scalia Derangement Syndrome (SDS)?

In a show of bipartisan good will, aided by the cushion of a $237 billion budget surplus, the president is able to ratify an ambitious and comprehensive energy bill, with funding to explore alternate biofuels, wind power, and renewable energy. In March 2001, the United States becomes party to the Kyoto Protocol. At the signing ceremony, the president announces the breaking of ground for a high-speed passenger rail system along the Eastern Seaboard. The disused, old railroad cars are submerged to create artificial reefs. The Eastern Seaboard Maglev System, completed in September 2009, offers high-speed service from Portland, Maine, to Jacksonville, Fla.

I wonder if this high speed rail along the eastern seaboard is as profitable as Amtrak?

An August 2001 Daily Intelligence Briefing warns, “Bin Ladin [sic] Determined to Strike in the U.S.,” which prompts the president to authorize the strategic bombing of targets in the Khost province of Afghanistan, near the Pakistani border.

Really? I’m a little skeptical that a President Al Gore would actually take any action, but I guess we’ll never know. He would have been operating under the same intelligence that the Bush Administration had – and that seems to have been flawed. I wonder what would have made this intelligence better. Oh, sorry, a democrat is in control in this fairy tale. Silly me.

In his January 2002 State of the Union address, the president singles out Iraq, Iran, and North Korea, saying “their objectives vis à vis the United States are not dissimilar in malign intent to the Axis powers.”

Wait a minute, isn’t this what Bush said? I wonder if he was roundly criticized in this virtual world for being too confrontational.

June 2002: The president signs a bill giving tax cuts to the wealthiest Americans, worth $1.35 trillion over 10 years. There are cries of foul from both left and right.

They are the ones paying a majority of the taxes, why not give them a tax break. I don’t see a problem here. I would be surprised if this would happen, but I guess this is all just fantasy, right?

October 2002: First Lady Tipper Gore launches R.A.M.R.O.D. (“Rap Against Misogyny, Racism, and Disrespect”) with the enthusiastic cooperation of the hip-hop community.

I love the name. What does the “O” in R.A.M.R.O.D. stand for?

May 2003: In excess of 670 miles of wetland are restored along the Eastern Seaboard and the Gulf Coast. To announce the successful completion of the initiative, the president holds a ceremony on the deck of a solar-powered casino boat in the Biloxi harbor, standing before a banner that reads “Mission Accomplished.” It is roundly ridiculed.

Not quite as dramatic as doing it on a US ship, but I suppose that would fit with the eco-crap spewed by Al Gore.

Despite a general disaffection with the administration (and calls among some of his closest advisers to replace Lieberman on the ticket), the robust economy and no major foreign or domestic conflicts are enough to secure a second term for Gore-Lieberman in November 2004, beating out the McCain-Kemp ticket by 51 percent to 48 percent. It was the narrowest margin of victory for a reelected president since 1828.

Hmmm, sounds familiar to reality.

March 3, 2005: At a Rose Garden ceremony, the president announces his health-care-reform package that includes a public option offering coverage to compete with private insurance. Polls indicate the American public is overwhelmingly in favor of such a program.

Ten minutes in, the vice president surprises all assembled by stepping up to the lectern to announce that, pursuant to the Twelfth Amendment, if called upon to break a tie vote in the Senate, he would vote against the bill. “Furthermore,” he continues, “if the Republicans filibuster, I must in good conscience join them against this Washington-based entitlement program.”

Regaining control of the microphone, a visibly angry Gore jokes, “Funny, Joe, I had no idea that the higher authority you were answering to was Aetna.” The two men are never photographed together after this day.

Too bad he didn’t join the Republicans when voting for the Health Care legislation in the real Senate in 2009.

Aug. 29, 2005: Hurricane Katrina strikes Louisiana, Mississippi, Florida, and Alabama, with winds of up to 140 miles per hour. Although meteorologically one of the most significant storms in decades, the surge of water into New Orleans floods low-lying parts of the city to a depth of just three feet. Within hours, FEMA mobilizes supplies of food and water, and the Army Corps of Engineers shores up the levees and pumps out the flood waters within six days. Total mortality in New Orleans for the hurricane is just 17 people.

Senate Democrats propose an official proclamation of recognition for the president’s long-range vision and planning, and the prompt mobilization response that resulted in so little damage and so few casualties from the worst hurricane in a generation

I don’t care who was President, New Orleans would have had the same problems. No federal agency, no matter how inept, could solve the problems brought on by years of neglect and fraud. Funny, we didn’t hear those in Mississippi and other areas complain quite as much or have as many problems. I’m just guessing here, but I would theorize that they actually evacuated their cities and did not build their cities below sea level. Just a SWAG on my part.

On Feb. 6, 2006, senators on both sides of the aisle turn their backs when the vice president enters the chamber. In a press conference on the Capitol steps, Lieberman tries to laugh off the gesture, claiming that “the insurgency is in its final throes. This will all be forgotten by tomorrow.” By that afternoon, he is summoned to a closed-door meeting in the Oval Office, after which he tenders his resignation. As his replacement, the president appoints the junior senator from the state of New York, Hillary Clinton, to be the new vice president. New York State Attorney General Eliot Spitzer is appointed the new junior senator.

Ahhh, sounds like a rebuke of the Senator for his independent stance on issues. I love the Spitzer addition. Why not add Mark Sanford in there also – put all the philanderers in one bag.

November 2008: The election is nicknamed the Family Feud, with the wife-and-husband Democratic Clinton ticket running against a resurgent George W. Bush (whose fortunes turned around after a tearful 2005 television interview about his alcoholism with Dr. Drew Pinsky) and his vice-presidential running mate, former Florida governor and brother, Jeb. Voters, seemingly unaware of the irony implicit in the GOP’s “anti-dynastic” campaign against the Clintons, respond to the brothers, electing them by a narrow margin.

Truth is stranger than fiction sometimes – and this scenario could have happened if all the cards fell in place as stated above. It is curious that the writer tried to interject some failings in the piece, but they were kind of small in comparison to the triumphs.

It’s time to move on and give up all the fantasy. Gore was not elected President, Bush was. Now they have their boy Obama living at 1600 Pennsylvania Blvd. – all is well.

Happy New Year

Over and Out.

• Obama Skips Boy Scout Jamboree: Shows His Lack of Character - July 29th, 2010
• Obama and That Damn Oil Leak - July 11th, 2010
• NASA Chief Using Agency as Muslim PR Machine - July 6th, 2010
• We Don't Need No Stinkin' Immigration Reform! - June 22nd, 2010
• Slo Joe Actually Making Sense? - June 4th, 2010